WINNER My Memories

The Winner of the My Memories scrapbook software as chosen by random.org is wildworldofautism. Email me noguile04(at)yahoo.com with your email address.

Didn't win a copy click on the link to the right for My Memories use the code

STMMMS31260 to recieve $10 off. 

There's Something In The Water

Homestyle Mama started it I blame her with this.  That post lead to this one and this one.  What am I talking about meltdowns and not just a simple melt down (yes they can be simple) but a full out nuclear meltdown.  I'm not talking about the kids I'm talking about mom.  As a person you can only take so much before you lose your shit.  I finally hit my breaking point last Saturday in my driveway of all places and yes there were witnesses.  Who are still looking at me like I'm a little crazy.

On Parenthood last night I completley got Juilia's story line through the whole show watch Here

Now I know you want to know what happened, otherwise why would you still be reading.  Husband worked most of the day, the neighbors family was all off doing their thing dad was left at home.  As soon as husband pulled in the drive he came over he was really bored.  They talked for a little bit, I did my usual get kids fed and going in the bath, then I went out with them.

Yes we are all kinds of redneck around here three of us standing at the back of our truck drinking beer.  Kids were fine, everything was fine for a while.  I've been under a lot of stress from multiple things lately and husband knows when I get stressed out my body literally starts fighting me.  That was his first sign things weren't right.  I was complaining about pain but not my normal back pain that I'm used too it was different.  I had been sitting on the tailgate of the truck, but I kept standing and sitting I just couldn't sit still.  I went to pick up my beer and my hand twitched and I knocked it over we just laughed it off no big deal. a second later I reached my arm back to grab husbands hand and he saw my arm spasm and I knocked hi beer over.  Again laugh it off don't want anyone to know somethings not right.  Went to pick up my beer and I couldn't get my hand to grip enough to pick it up.  Once I got my grip on it I threw it at the garage door and just broke down in tears.  I just keep saying this isn't right somethings wrong.  Husband said I know you're doing too much you have to stop your killing yourself.  There is no shame in taking a break from everything and just being mom.

Obviously there is a lot of backstory to this.  As for my bodies reaction to stress, yes I have seen a doctor and they have no explanation at this time as to what is going on only that it seems to be a reaction to stress.  Our whole life is stress right now 4 kids, I'm in school, husband had lost his job,  he got a new one but rent is late and landlord is asking about it daily (which yes they have every right too), Utilities need to be paid, Porkchop's birthday coming up and no money to do anything, no second car so trying to figure out logistics for kids after school activities, oh paying for activities, I'm sure you've been there the list goes on and on.

Of course I took Homestyle's lead and we looked at everything, If I can't control it I'm not going to worry about it. If the landlord wants to evict us for being late once so be it nothing I can do about it.  On that note we are going back to how we used to do things. Husband is responsible for the rent. Landlord has been told you have questions concerning the house or rent contact him not me.  I have the utilities, keep up on the house stuff since I'm home and school well I'm taking a break from that.  For how long who knows.

Now just because I take care of the house does not mean I am a maid.  Everyone is responsible for their own rooms and helping keep their stuff picked up.  If you leave dirty laundry in your room and it doesn't get washed oh well you will have to wait or do laundry yourself. The only person I will go hunt dirty clothes for is husband, you know he works and lately it's been very long hours. Nine times out of ten clothes go where they should but sometimes they don't.

Some think I'm crazy leaving school because I am three classes from being done but it was a large part of the stress.  There have been so many tech problems this past class no being able to post, can't get assignments to post, unable to log into the system I am failing my current class.  Not due to me but tech issues.  I can't control the schools inability to fix or even address the issues with me so I'm not going to worry about it.

Overall one thing husband said was I have to stop holding everything in, until meltdown point.  That no one expects me to do it all.

Explaining Death

Friends and acquaintances dying is new territory for us.  In most peoples minds kids just don't die, and you never think one day it could be someone your kid knows.  It has happened and we have spent the last week trying to explain it, answer questions, deciding what to do.  In our case the school had already explained the circumstances to the kids.

On Monday Roger came home from school and said "school was depressing some kid I know died." Umm what? He handed me a note from the school and said he was going to go ride his bike.  The page long note from the school explained that a 8th grader from the school had died the previous weekend.  On Saturday evening he went flying with his dad and there was an accident, neither father or son survived.

When Roger came back in I asked if he knew the boy?  He wasn't really sure, he knew he wasn't someone he hung out with on a regular basis, once he saw a picture of him he said yes I kind of knew him.  It does not matter if you know the person or not when someone your age from your school dies it hits everyone in the school.

Most adults are at a loss when it comes to death, sometimes there is just no explanation or reasoning that can make it make sense.  With the death of a friend it opens that thought to a child that it could be them.  They may have questions, they may not.  What we found has worked for us is to let Roger lead. If he has a question he will ask it, if he wants to bring it up he can but I am not pushing him.  When he wants to say something he will and you just listen.  There is no right or wrong way to feel.

As for the funeral I left the choice to him. Just like with adults some people need to go to a funeral they need that closure others do not, it is a personal decision.  Roger is 13 now and some of these choices he can make for himself.  He was given three options a) go to the funeral, b) stay home, c) go to school.  He chose to go to school, even though many kids and teachers will not be there he still wanted to stick with what is normal for him.

When it comes to autism I call BS on all the articles I saw that said a person with autism does not understand death.  He understands he may show his emotions differently and may have trouble finding the right words, but just because you do not respond as people think you should does not mean you do not understand.  He knows K will not be returning to school ever.  He knows and understands death is permanent.   

Sometimes we just don't give our kids credit for being able to handle things.  They really can, it is expected for them to be upset, confused, anxious they need to know thats ok and perfectly normal.  They need to know its ok to be mad, its ok to be sad, its ok to not know how you feel.  Not many adults know how they feel after an unexpected death.  If we don't know how do we expect our kids to know.

Overall the best thing we can do when helping our child deal with death doesn't matter if it is a grandparent or a friend is to just be there.  Let them set the pace, don't push them to talk if they do not want too.  Of course as parents watch them.  Pay attention and if there is any sign that they are not processing or handling well get them someone to talk to.  Don't wait if your gut says they need help get them help.