Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Big D and I Don't Mean Dallas

Alright here we go. This is something none of us talk about. We deal with it but we never really admit to it or talk about it. I've been fighting with depression for the past five years. Sure I have good days but I also go through some really rough ones. Lately things that some so-called friends are doing are making me fight even harder to smile and fake it. Unless you live with me you probably would never know. Hey after five years I have this fake it till you make it down.

Let me back up a bit. This has probably been going going on my entire life but never to this point till a few years ago. I had a hard time after porkchop was born. I was alone with three kids and going through a nasty divorce. At that time I had no choice but to get up go to work and get things done. I was able to stay busy and ignore everything. Really not that bad but temporarily I was given something by my doctor. It seemed to pass and everything was going great for a while.

Five years ago I got hurt at work. I slipped on a puddle and fractured my spine. L5 is still in three pieces to this day. I was left with permanent damage including nerve damage. So for five years I have been in constant pain. Some days are better than others but the pain is always there. I was told after six months of physical therapy and seeing the best specialist available to us that I would never again work as a nurse or a medic. The list of restrictions is rather large. That was not all. Through the course of PT the doctor started noticing other symptoms. My pain was not presenting right. Most people get the sharp pain down their whole leg not me. It's only in my back and then skips to my knee down. Ok that's odd, but hey we can deal you probably pinched a nerve in a strange way. The specialist thought I actually tore something inside my spine that they just can't see. Now based on my age no doctor is going to go on a fishing expedition into my spine to find out what is really wrong. The risks are just too high. So I was left at sorry you have pain but we can't fix it. Sorry you have numbness we can't fix it. When it's really bad we can medicate you but thats the best we can do. I refuse to live on pills so I just deal. This is the first time my husband had witnessed me slipping away as he calls it. Where I just disconnect. I have to fight myself out of bed, if he would let me some days I wouldn't get up.

Then we moved states. New start, new life and for a while again things were great. After years of not being able to get a job, thanks to all my restrictions I started to withdraw again. I hated the place we were living, the landlord was a terror and just out outright mean. That eventually came to a head where no one in the house was happy, we were having a lot of behavioral issues with the kids, and it just was bad news. So we found a new place.

The new place was great. No landlord living above us. The schools were more than accommodating. I even made friends in the neighborhood. Once again it was short lived. My school went downhill and from there I guess I just spiraled down. I escaped into facebook. I didn't have to be the depressed person there, no one had to know. Lets not even get started on the self medicating with alcohol. But it cycled out and I started coming back. Then a couple weeks ago someone in the neighborhood decided to make stuff up about me. Ok I could care less say what you want. Here's the thing it's not just one person anymore. It's several. They are taking situations and twisting them so they look good and well I look bad. I'm being painted as the cheating wife and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. My husband knows it's all lies. He says to not feed into it, leave it alone. Easier said than done. I know, I shouldn't care, I know I should just walk away but it gets to you. So here I sit withdrawing from everyone because it seems like everytime I say or do anything it gets twisted and turned until I just look awful.

My husband is doing what he can but it takes a toll on him too. He is trying to pick up my slack and cover for me with the kids. We both know this will cycle out and I will be all good again but lately it seems as if the depression cycles are coming more often and stronger than before. It seems as everytime I get a chance to breath and start to feel better and more like who I used to be I get smacked down by someone or something else. For whatever reason I just can't brush it off and say F U to whoever it is. It gets stuck in my head and just festers. I don't know maybe typing it out will help. Who knows. I sure don't.

1 comment:

  1. Damn, I feel for you. I have been suffering depression for most of my life and the worst of it is, it doesn't take much to trigger the tailspin once you start on a depressive down cycle. Things that would make you angry throw you into despair. Things that you could easily deal with when you feel more "normal" hit so much harder and make it impossible to function. It's good that your husband wants to and can support you in the bad moments. You might also try to find a counselor or support group (whichever suits you best) in your community that can give you some encouragement and hold you up through the worst of it. And there are even some groups and folks online who will do what they can to get you through. Hold on and take care of yourself.