Saturday, September 28, 2013

Autism, Sex, Love, and Marriage

It's no secret I'm on my second marriage. My first lasted all of a year. The reasons it failed are not important. I'm in a better place now. I have currently been married for three years this time though I have known husband or 16 plus years. That is a whole other post in itself.

Let's face it being married is not easy. Having kids is not easy. Though special needs into the mix and well who knows. People like to throw around some stat that 80% of all marriages fail because of autism. Let me be clear there is no evidence that this is true. The studies I have seen say the divorce rate is equal within the autism community as the non autistic community.

Honestly we have been on the brink of divorce. The reason was not the kids, not special needs, it really was not about any outside force. It had to do with us. How we were responding to stressfull situations. We started ignoring the other person. For all intensive purposes we gave up. We got lazy.

I remember being told many years ago that the biggest predictor of divorce is ones sex life. I'm not saying you have to be all up in it everyday hell you can go months without and still have a good marriage. It has more to do with compatibility when it happens. Sex absolutely can make or break a marriage. It's not always the physical act either.

Think about it. When people first get married they are excited to see each other. They can't wait to pay full attention to the other as soon as they can. Over time you get busy. Life just happens and next thing you know you haven't showered in a week. Who knows where the hairbrush is and what time did husband get home again. Oh I didn't even notice you were there. It happens. It doesn't have too though but it will take some effort from both of you.

Don't tell me I'm to busy with the kids, I don't have time. Really you don't have time to send your spouse a simple text. To put the iPad down after the kids have gone to bed and talk to each other.  It's really not that hard. I promise you it's not.

Simple statements can change the mood. Recently my husbands statement to me was. Normally I am this put together on top of everything person that adds everything under control. But sometimes he gets to see the freak. The girl he remembers from long ago.

Simple texts during the day. I love you, I miss you, I want you. They go a long way. They only take a few seconds to send. A lot of times the text between my husband and I are inside jokes we have between each other. We know what they mean but no one else does, it gives that this is just ours. Phones with picture and text capability can be fun. Use them.

Sometimes we just refuse invitations. Not because we have something else or don't want to drag the kids out. Sometimes it's just because it's us. We want to hang out just us. We don't want the distraction of other people. you don't have to say yes to everything. Seriously I told a neighbor once sorry can't hang out with you tonight I'm planning on getting laid and you would just be in the way. She just laughed and walked away.

Take a shower get dressed. That goes for both sides. Trust me as much as you boys don't want to see the girls in yoga pants (btw I don't own a pair) we don't want to see you in your raggedy sweats from 1989. I don't care if you were wearing them when the niners won some football game. They may be Lucky for your football team but they are not lucky for getting laid. Even better take a shower together. Score save water and no yoga pants/sweats allowed.

Sex that happens when it happens. Some time periods more than others but that's ok. We still have that thing. I once had someone tell me oh no if I couldn't have sex at least once a week I'd be gone. There is always better out there. Well if you think there's better than who your with you are with the wrong person.

How you make it happen well that's up to you. I would never suggest putting it on a calendar for us that would never work. It would be too much of a job and not fun. So it's whenever we can make it happen. If scheduling works for you go for it.

Have fun. Seriously don't be so serious and make sex a job. Whatever happens is going to happen. While it is give your full attention to your spouse. The bills, kids, laundry, whatever will all be there when your done. Besides its more fun when your not so damn serious.

I could go into more detail but yeah I will save that for part two.

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