Thursday, April 11, 2013

Response to Comment

I got up this morning did our usual thing and checked my email. There was a you have a comment on your blog email. Yay I don't get many comments. this one to be exact. Now I am not going to use names because calling someone out by name publicly is wrong. I am not writing this to call anyone out. I did want to address the comment though and it will take more than a few lines. Hopefully the person the left the comment will see it.

"When was the last time you returned a phone call promptly or reciprocated a dinner invitation in a timely fashion? Or offered to run an errand for a friend or sibling? How often did you cancel plans at the very last minute? Are you totally co bounced that your life with your kid with autism is a billion times harder than everybody else's, regardless of whether it is truly the case? Do you make multiple, specific demands upon anybody who invites your PreciousDarling AngelFace and then freak out when your edicts aren't met? Because the world ends if my kid practices the piano while your kid is at my house and can hear it?

Does your child hit other kids / pull their hair / destroy their belongings / hurt animals if given the opportunity? My kid is pretty tolerant, but after the third consecutive playdate from which she came home with a WHOPPING big bruise, she doesn't wanna play with her cousin (who legitimately has autism, a special need) because he repeatedly hurt her - and I don't blame her one bit.

Maybe you're being discriminated against and you are regularly excluded simply because he's autistic -- but it's equally possible that you've not held up your end of the social contract for years and years in end OR that your kid (despite being autistic) is so unpleasant to be around that they're avoiding you. "

When I first read it I was upset as would be expected but I reread it and thought about it.  The author sounds frustrated but I don't know them so I have no idea what their experience is.At the same time they seem to be reaching out. I could be all angry myself and fire back with all kinds of assumptions but that will not help anything.  It is clear that they do not follow me or they would know the answers to their own questions.  Maybe it was the first post they have read. I can't assume everyone has read me from the start. (but you all have right? ) SO let me get started. I just want to explain my point of view and address the questions raised. I can only speak for myself.

Not once have I ever said my life is a billion times harder because of autism. I don't think I have ever said my life is harder than anyone elses. On this blog or anywhere else. I've never known anything else so really I don't know if it is or not. I do not make specific demands on people we visit. Now I know some people do, sometimes it is needed such as I have rules I need to follow when my niece visits. Hers are food related and she has a lot of allergies so they are necessary demands. I do I follow them, but its a allergy. We no longer live in the same state anymore but when she was just down the street I always made sure I had food for her in my house at all times. I also know some people even without autism being a factor make outrageous demands when they visit. My kids know someone elses house it's their rules we cannot tell them no you can't do that and I will not tell someone how to run their home. Instead I have taught my kids ways to handle things that may bother them.You don't want to hear the piano you can go play outside or put your headphones on. 

I have been known to call friends and family when I am going out to ask if they need anything while I'm out. I Have taken other kids off the bus because dad hurt his knee or mom was going to be a few minutes later than usual. My neighbors have also done the same for me. I would say I am as good as anyone else with returning phone calls in a timely manner. I try to get back to people as soon as I can. No one can answer every call every time and return every missed call promptly. Sometimes life just doesn't allow for it. I respond to invitations quickly and typically we accept unless we already have plans at the time. It is not routine for us to cancel plans at the last minute. It does happen but find me one person who has never had to cancel something last minute. You find that person and I will be impressed. I do my best but I'll admit it I have dropped the ball on occasion. 

My kids are not aggressive  I know some can be but mine are not. So lumping all autistics into that they hit, destroy things  and hurt animals is just plain wrong. Dare I say lumping any group of people together for any reason and using a blanket statement on them is wrong. I'm sorry your daughter had a bad experience but that is not typical for many of us. Hitting in my home as is in many peoples homes I know is unacceptable. You don't hit no matter what. I do not know your nephew so I don't know the reasons why. Are they being triggered. Trust me I know people that think it is fun to trigger a meltdown (I absolutely am not blaming the daughter here, could be a third person, could also not be the case). I also know that sometimes you don't know why it happens. It could also be a form of communication. I can also understand your daughters point of view as well. We have a couple kids in the neighborhood who are little bullies and porkchop my youngest doesn't want to play with them. I get that. Why would he? Why would your daughter want to? Why would anyone want to go someplace where they get hurt? I would also ask what is going on during playdates? Rather than just avoid address the issue. Even with the neighborhood bullies I went and talked to their parents. One corrected the issue the other could care less. Maybe find a activity that both kids and adults could do together like the zoo or a park.

In my case and why I wrote that post was we it's not only myself other third parties have seen a change in behavior from some people. Nothing else has changed except a dx. We still do the same things. I know that there are some people out there that use autism or other special needs as a blanket statement to excuse behaviors. I am not one that does. I do not allow my kids to use it as a excuse. They are still expected to be kind to others and respectful. I have helped them learn how to handle situations that work for them. Maybe they take a walk, maybe they use headphones, there are a million maybe they do scenarios. Not one of the scenarios is to be violent or rude. 

I don't know what your relationship is with your sister or brother is. I was talking about my experiences. I don't know what happened in our case. I have had nasty comments made in front of me that lead me to believe the reasons are autism.I have heard shes a blogger type with the sarcastic tone and laughed at, then they go on to praise the blogs they follow and love. Hmm and I'm what chopped liver over here. You don't have to love what I wrote you don't even have to like it. You also don't need to be rude about it.  Maybe it is me I don't know. Something changed that much I know. I know I used to get 50 texts a day and now I get maybe one in six months. I was also trying to point out how facebook throws it all in your face. Are my kids perfect? No they are not. 

I also know there are people who reach out to their family members but hit the brick wall. The post was never meant to offend them. They get voicemail and never get called back. They plan a dinner and get canceled on last minute every time. They try and buy gifts but get told thats not going to work after they asked what they should buy. After so long they just stop trying and then they get to hear the complaints that you never call, you never come over, you never? Well they did but you were too busy for them yet now you expect them to jump when you call.  

To the writer of the comment I hope you find the answers you need. I hope you can mend the damage done between your daughter and nephew. You keep going over for playdates so the one assumption I will allow myself to make is that you want a relationship between them. 

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