Monday, December 31, 2012

The First Cut is the Deepest

We have had some ups and downs this week. I learned on Thursday that Roger has a girlfriend. He told me a little about her. She knew all about him being OCD, autistic, all the good stuff. She didn't care she liked him for him. I asked what she looked like and his answer a person. He says I know he can't describe people.  I responded with well hopefully you never witness a crime because the description of they looked like a person really isn't helpful. He got a good laugh from that.
 They were planning on going to the movies on Saturday.  At first I said yes you can go but you need to have some other friends go along.  One friend said he would then couldn't at the last minute.  Roger did try to find someone to go with them.  Since we saw him attempt to find a friend I told him he could go just this once.  I asked if the girls parents were aware, he said yes. 
On Saturday I dropped him off at the theater to meet her to see Lincon. Yeah I know 13 year olds wanted to see this movie and at that she picked.  Her grandpa dropped her off. Everything seemed fine when I picked him up.
That was until I saw his Facebook post. "my girlfriend and I just broke up I think, anyways we are not dating anymore" I questioned m and he started to explain that her mom said no more dates.  Ok. Then he said I just don't get this stuff.  I don't get how it was ok for her to go on Saturday but afterwards her mom changes her mind. Shouldn't she have said so before we went anywhere? I told him maybe his friend did not tell her mom the whole story up front. Of course he wants to know why wouldn't she her mom will just find out. Of course we g into this whole talk about how sometimes people hide things or don't tell you the whole story a idea that is completely foreign to Roger.  In his mind everything is black or white there is no gray, but we all know there is a lot of grey area in life.
The girl tells him she still likes him just her mom is saying no right now.  Of course he wants to know why she changed her mind and really we will never know.  In his mind he just sees it as someone blocking him from a friend who accepted him as he is. He was not really upset by the whole I think we broke up as much as he was by how confusing the situation is to him.
He says he knows that a lot of what other people see in situations he doesn't. I had to tell him unfortunately the world is going to get more confusing before he figures it out, but he will.  The first time is always the worst. After that you start to see what's comming.  I'm sure there is more to this story and it may be the first but won't be the last.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Lines in the Sand

In our house lines are drawn in the sand.  Why you ask well that's the easy part because they are always moving.  We think we have figured our stance on a issue, then a wave comes and washes the line away and we have to redraw.  Thing is when you redraw you never redraw in the same place.  Husband would tell you if you give me a inch I will take a mile.  He has also seen times where he thought I was backed in a corner where I was the wave that erased the line and came up swinging.

The most recent line has been this blog.  Husband thought I was losing myself in basically a pretend world to not have to deal with stuff.  He knows I write this but dose not read it so he really was not sure what I was saying.  Now this line can be drawn in cement.  I thought about taking it all down but we talked and I told him I do not use real names and seldom share pictures.  Almost everything posted here is approved by kids. If they don't want me to post it, it dose not go up.  Same rule applies for my personal Facebook if they say no don't post that picture I don't.  Now it's not that I am allowing them to control what I write but rather I am respecting them, and that someone they know may read this one day. While yes I love that people read what I wrote, if the day comes that husband or one of the kids say enough is enough. I will be done.  I never went into this to be popular or go viral (though that would be cool). I just went into this to tell our stories. 

There are lines drawn in the sand in the blogging community.  Each persons lines are different. There has been some recent discussion as to what bloggers share and how they share it. This is not a new conversation just one that comes up once in a while.  We all have our own ways of writing.  Some like myself use a alias for everyone.  In mine husband dose not even have a name he is just husband.  Others use alias's for the children but real for adults.  Still yet others use real everything.  I can't say what is right for anyone.  It is a personal choice. I am not in your house or head so you do what you want.  As children age their friends could find our blogs if they went looking for it. Eventually our children become adults and will enter the real world.  I have to make sure that nothing I wrote puts them in a bad light that can harm them later in life. If its getting a job, getting in school, running for a public office, it dose not matter because you know none of us have a crystal ball that shows what our kids will become and what they may want to do with their lives.  What we write today could affect them later in life.

We can draw all the lines we want for ourselves but not for someone else.  Another part of the discussion has been what do we do when someone dose post a demeaning post or one with false information.  I don't know the answer, for me I do not call them out.  Calling them out publicly only gives them more attention.  The only thing I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. Yes the waves may come and wash away our lines and we may change our stance on different topics.  It's not that we are hypocritical it is that the line has been moved.   

So yes keep doing what you do. Keep writing, keep talking. Slowly I may change a few minds, you may change a few minds, and someone else may change even more minds.  There's no grand motion that will change everything its slow and steady.  Don't back down and if you think you've reached you end dig deeper and keep moving forward.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Christmas Pickle By: Lucy

Once upon a time there lived a pickle names pickles.  He lived in a pickle home with his mom and dad.  One day, he thoutg being a pickle elf would be fun, so he flew in his pickle airplane to the pickle north pole and became a pickle elf.  He also changed his name to Pickle Elf. He worked hard on toys for the good girl and boy pickles. One day he did not want to get out of bed, but he did and he brushed his teeth with his pickle toothbrush and rode on his skateboard to his workstation.

On the way a bully pickle came by and called names. He started to yell at him. He was't paying attention and bumped into the christmas tree and a ornament fall on his head. OUCH!!! He said as he walked to his workstation. As he made his toys another pickle showed how big his truck was. Pickle Elf throw a fit. He was sent to time out. While he was in time out Santa Pickle came to talk to him. After the talk, Pickle Elf said "I can do this" "I'm OK" I'm Happy. From that day, pickle elf was happy and ok.


Friday, December 14, 2012

Dax the Dog

Making the Long Drive to The New House

Lounging in the Sun
Like many families we have a dog. A miniature dachshund to be exact.  He is a mean little dog to anyone outside of this house.  Roger got him as a puppy seven years ago.  We also say he has super powers. What is his superpower you ask?  He can calm a kid out of a meltdown in three seconds flat.  They start melting down he starts jumping around and barking at them.  Next thing you know the kids and the dog are running around the house playing. 

Dressed up as a Pumpkin

This past week when Lucy was sick for three days he just laid on the couch with her.  While he may be Roger's dog he has attached himself to husband and Lucy.  If Lucy is upset or just not right he will sit near her and stare her down until she pays attention to her.  He is a annoying little dog but the kids like him so he gets to stay.

Checking Homework

Yes He Thinks He is King

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Did I Respond Correctly??

OK I have to ask if I responded to this lady at the grocery store correctly, it all happened so fast. There was a woman at the store 2 people in front of us. I had My daughter with me as did she both girls were sick thats why they werent in school. Hers looked like death warmed over mine was pretty much over it. The elderly lady between us asked me if she was sick I said yes, she asked if she had had her flu shot I also said yes, that she is on day three of the flu but will be going back top school tomorrow. She then asked the lady in front the same thing only her response to the shot is what set me off.

When asked if her daughter had the flu shot she said: We dont do shots!
Me in my head: oh well to each their own.
Elderly lady: Can I ask Why? My daughter dosen't either.
Lady: because shots cause "the autism"
Eldery lady: Thats your only reason. Autism
Lady: yes don't you know autism steals kids and rips families apart, haven't you seen the latest article (Time??) and the comericals about it. (I'm assuming she ment autism speaks)
Me: EXCUSE ME!!! (both women look at me) Can I ask you a question do you have a child with autism
Lady: No
ME: teach autistic kids? have a friend with a autistic kid? (trying to see where she was comming from)
Lady: No
Me: so your judgement is from a poorly written article and commericals. hmm Well guess what I have two children with Autism. Guess what Autism did not steal them from me. if anything Autism has made our family stronger. If you gave me a magic pill that would remove autism from them we wouldn't take it, that child would not be my child who is perfect quirks and all.
Lady: I'm sorry I didn't mean ummmm
She was probably happy she was through the line at that point and could get the heck away from me. If my daughter wasn't there I probably would have blown up at her. As she walked away I just said Have a nice day. Elderly lady who started it all with a innocent question just smiled at us. Looked at Lucy and said she looks pretty perfect to me.

While this all happened very quickly less than 3 minutes, did I have the correct response? I mean I didn't physcially injure her like I wanted too. ALso why do these crazy people always end up near me? I feel like I'm a magnate for them?

Parenting & Religion

I follow Confessions of an Aspergers Mom (Facebook Page), she has two teenage boys on the spectrum so they have been where we are going.  She is a proud mom of her boys and you can feel the love in her writting.  She's also very real, it's not all butterflys and rainbows with her.  She tells it as it is no sugar coating anything.  One of the things she writes about on her page is her son Red's religious journey.  It's something he has chosen and she supports.  I have always admired this about her.  How she steps back and supports her sons journey but dose not push her own views on him.
Promise I have a point here.  My oldest has expressed a intrest in recieving his conformation.  I was raised Catholic and left the church once I was old enough to make my own choice.  For me some of the Catholic doctrine is a hard pill to swallow.  Not saying they are wrong just not the right fit for me.  Anyone that knows me knows I am not a religious person.  My kids were baptized Catholic to make family members happy.  Roger went to Catholic school up until fifth grade.  The public schools were lacking so I put him in private. Other than school he has never really been exposed to church.  Sometimes we go with the inlaws but other than that it is just not something we have done as a family.

When Roger first brought up wanting to recieve his conformation honestly my knee jerk reaction was not only no but hell no.  This is where Confessions comes in.  I've been reading her posts about Red's journey and while it may not be what she would do she completely supports him in his quest for faith.  I say say may because I don't know what her beliefs are and don't want to say the wrong thing. Based on what I've read she would support him wherever his journey to God takes him, except maybe a cult she would probably draw the line there.

So the point being I have learned from others, just because I don't follow the doctriane and it is not right for me dose not mean it is the same for my son.  Roger needs to have the ability to have his own journey in religion without me pushing my beliefs on him.  So if he wants his conformation I will support his choice.  I will do what I can to help him.  If he decieds later no I really don't want to do this I will support him again. Part of the journey is finding out what you believe for yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to put our own belifes aside and allow our children to decied what they believe.  Now he comes and tells me he's moving to a commune in the hills with some crazy man I'm going to have to put my foot down.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Step Away From Autism

This comes from a discussion with autism bloggers. Yes we are real people behind our pages.  The group is made up of parents and autistics.  The topic came up of do you sometimes just get sick of autism.  Not the autism itself just that all attention seems to be on a diagnosis rather than  a person.

Overall response yep.  As I said before we are real people.  We may write about about autism but part of real life is autism is not always center stage.  Sometimes we don't want to talk about autism, sometimes we want to talk about the most recent game, a book we read, what we are doing at work, there is more to us than just being autistic or being a autism parent.  Sometimes you have to step away from the autism and focus on life.
Autism is the only dx I can think of that makes people stop living. It's not the autism that dose it, it is the person typically parents that fall into this fear trap.  If I had just stopped our lives and avoided doing things and going places because I feared a meltdown how many things would we have missed.  How many parties, shows, movies, sports would have been missed because of a fear.  I'm not saying meltdowns don't happen but I'm not going to avoid life because one might happen.
Let me put this another way.  I also have a child who is a hemophiliac.  If I refused to let him play outside, ride a bike, really just be a kid because he might get cut or scraped what kind of life would he have? A pretty boring one.  So I don't.  A lot like meltdowns we live life and if he happens to get cut or scraped I'll deal with it then.  Sometimes we end up in the ER but that's going to happen time to time its part of being a hemophiliac.

Then there is the whole title thing.  Once you have a dx you become autistic or a autism parent.  The person you were before the dx is still there but it seems like people can't see that person anymore. Everyone wants to over anaylaze what you do.  There must be a reason why?  Yes there is a reason because we like it. You become this walking information booth.  Where conversations may have been about your recent trip before now they are about autism.  Don't get me wrong we love that you want to ask questions and learn, but dose it have to be every conversation.
Roger says "I'm still the same person as before.  Now we know why I sometimes do things that seem strange, why I get stuck on things, and why I sometimes just don't get it.  Not everything I'm interested in has to do with me being autistic.  Plenty of people without autism like to read and play with Lego's."  What he says is true.  Before the dx his likes were just that likes, now everyone wants to analyze and find some autism connection to his fascination with Dr. Who.  Really people he just like the show.  He doesn't over analyze your obsession with the Kardashians it's just a stupid show you watch. 

Overall what I am saying is step away from the autism dx and see the person.  Ask them about the book they read?  Ask how work is going?  Find out about them as a person.  We will never stop advocating and fighting for what we or our children need, but not everything is a fight.  Yes autism is a integral part of my children but it is not all of them.  Sometimes autism needs to be center stage, but not always.  Live life, have fun, let your kids be kids.  They may just surprise you.  I think Brad Paisley's song says it best "yes I have a hard life but in someways everybody dose."